Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"Real Men"

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
 are the first human they encounter. As a token of
 intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
 incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
 disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
 hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
 violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:

 A. Present it to the President of the United States.
 B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
 C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
 miss the most?

 A. Innocence.
 B. Idealism.
 C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

 A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
    for narrow-minded social conventions.
 B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
 C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
    really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
    reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

 A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
 B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
 C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
     home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

    (1) He is legally within the base path,
    (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
    (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
        cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

  A. A cat.
  B. A dog.
  C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
  and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
  Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a
  football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the
  clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you but,
  she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
  relationship is going.  She says she's not asking whether you want to
  get married;
  only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
  What do you say?

  A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
     you don't want to rush it.
  B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not
     honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
     commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
     hope.
  C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
     seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
  to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
  sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

  A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
  B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
     and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
     and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
  C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
  get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
  is:

  A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
  B. "They're in school already?"
  C. "There are three of them?"


9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

  A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
     holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
     intended  for your legs.
  B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
     has to be handled with tweezers.
  C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks
     the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming
     names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his
     underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
     to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
   fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
   years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

   A. He was being tested.
   B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
      finally got there.
   C. He refused to ask for directions.


11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    A. Democracy.
    B. Religion.
    C. The Remote control.

Unknown at 3:45 pm