Saturday, November 10, 2007
post mortem
Yeah she's passed away for almost 2.5 weeks now. The arrangements we made to adjust and accomodate. The feelings kinda stopped there almost. I still pause to look at her pictures in my hse, on my 21st birthday. As I looked at it somehow I just see a picture, no emotions attached. The crying after a person's death is how much you miss the person, it's all the emotions bursting because of its permanence. After that you go back to your daily routine and you don't think very much anymore. Except that she really won't be in the room when you go back to the house. The actual going about her house pottering doesn't evoke anymore emotions, but yet as I am writing and analyzing the entire event, tears are welling up in my eyes. I guess that's how it is, when you sit and think of the person, you will inevitably feel the sadness. I suppose that's also how you separate the actual feeling and going through the motion while assuming you're no longer sad. It's only because you're not really giving time for the emotions to do its work on you. That's a dissection of how I feel after her death. In a strangely morbid way I enjoy this dissection of emotions and maybe that's why I was a psych student.
Sometimes I ask myself if I should reveal such personal stuff online. But it's also a way for me to remember her and her passing. I suppose I'm really afraid that i'll forget about her in time to come. Like past memories erased because the HDD ran out of space and the data is overwritten with some other memories.
Unknown at 12:19 am