Friday, May 20, 2005

Long Post

Major Disappointment
Yes totally disappointed in myself. A group assignment and the responsibility of your group mate's results lie in your hands i managed to fuck it up. Somehow the responsibility didn't hit a strong impulse in my mind to get me started on my assignment ASAP, instead i managed to drag it long enough til i finish it right before the deadline. I'm not surprised if my classmates stopped talking to me, or start bitching about me. I deserve it, really. And i feel sad for myself that i actually let it happen to me. And i handed in crap work. Like totally crap. Very annoyed. And i hate that i've been talking about my unmotivated self for so long, at least 4-5mths? I feel so ashamed.

What Is Love To You
Watched Before Sunrise yesterday morning before falling asleep. It's a very sweet love story. It's not your usual run of the mill love stories in the cinema. Yes guy meets girl, they spend time together getting to know each other before sunrise, where he has to leave for home. There is no 3rd party, no fuck up by anyone, but true feelings and easy banter, in fact it's so close to real life that made me think. To like a person is easy, to maintain a relationship difficult. Set me thinking about my previous relationships as well. What made me like them enough to get into a relationship, and what drove us apart. Before sunset will be later. Will blog about it after i've watched it.

Yesterday philipp told me that he wished for ailin to come back to him, and that he was silly that he let someone who stood by him for 1.5years go. I told him to try to get her back. I like philipp, but i don't know if i can get into a relationship with him, i don't really quite see it happening. But as shallow as it sounds, good looking can get you pretty far in my books. And then this happens like after about maybe 3 weeks after he says he wanna date me. Not that i really took it very seriously because thankfully at that point of time i was quite rational. And so now i know where i stand, and where i ought to draw my lines too. This time round it's not gonna be in pencil, erasable by some small rubber, but stained in ink til there's a change in situation. That's one thing i hate about relationships, how most people aren't upfront about the reason for being in a relationship and that you never really quite know what your partner is thinking about (& about you). Why i say reason for being in a relationship, because i know that a lot of people get into a relationship because they want a person around to care for them because they can't stand being alone, not because they really love that person so much that they can't live without them. And to love a person that much, i think it takes time to reveal that, of course lucky are the ones who know right away that they've met the one. Or maybe i've just not met the one, if there is such a thing. For those who question how i can like 2 people at the same time, i dunno, my liking for philipp is that it's not the selfish kind(or you can see it as me watching too many jap weepy dramas or whatever), i'd gladly let him go coz i know what would really make him happy and i won't force it on him, plus i don't see a future with him. But i also wonder at times, maybe i'm confused with my feelings for him, maybe i only like him as a friend, but there's a little attraction on the side. Oh blimey, i'm going in circles.

Outing With The Girls
Met the girls today got their presents, doc martens for bok & birkenstocks for elaine. It was something below the original budget in mind, but something which they really needed and they liked (hopefully), which is good. Seriously, i think birthday presents are shit. I mean how many times have u scratched your head not knowing what the person really wants because you're not close enough to them. And the only reason is the person bought you a present for your birthday the year before. Sounds familiar, well at least to me it is. I know of many times where i did that and then u finally settle on some present that you pray is something that they'd like much less need, when in fact i think the recipient would have been so much happier off with cash. Sigh, societal conventions. But i do know the satisfaction of getting something which you think the person would like and then seeing the smile on their face when they open the present.

Anyway i did spend a fantastic 9hours with the girls today, time flew so fast, i didn't wanna go home. And we watched Amityville horror. Hrm, to me it's not a scary movie, but i generally don't get scared so.... I leave it to you. Gonna meet them at the gym tomorrow at 10.30, argh... lack of sleep.

Thoughts Lingering In My Mind
Something that i've not told anyone so far. whispers I feel like deferring my studies for the YEP Sri Lanka trip, but if i go for this trip, i won't be able to go diving with Amos and peeps. Plus i do think i need a much needed break from school and the life i lead now.

Unknown at 1:13 am